“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
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Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.