An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
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It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
how to market bottled water to dads