“You’re just not enlightened enough to understand the beauty of polyamoury!”

And you’re not enlightened enough to understand just how much people in general annoy TF out of me.

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By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.


Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.

Her: OMG I love The Rock.

Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?


whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese


Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.


Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.


Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now


Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.


My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.


So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —

And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out


Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.

*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*