You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
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Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.