BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
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[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Me [making the jerk off motion]
Friend [jerking off]: WHY ARE YOU IN HERE?!
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.
[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?