“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
You Might Also Like
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
every. time.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Pee pressure > peer pressure
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun