I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
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Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm