@edwardsnathn

You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.

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@MaybePileJokes

*at swingers club*

me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?

@collinwithtwoLs

*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy

@imence2

Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.

@canadasandra

We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.

@jonnysun

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years

@Social_Mime

I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.

@RandiLawson

CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons

@squirrel74wkgn

[at the pearly gates]

I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.

@Pappiness

Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.