You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
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Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*