The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
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“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
*seductively corrects your posture*
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)