Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
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I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE