You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
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Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
For the orator and chef in all of us
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.