I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
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People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
monday
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*