@Carmel_Coleman

You’re more likely to find something when you’re not looking for it. Right now, I’m not looking for a bunch of cash. I hope this shit works.

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@Darlainky

Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”

@InternetHippo

Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t

@archerenemy

Referring to her 28-day cycle as her Doomsday Clock is wrong…

I know that now…

@WilliamAder

Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.

@lalastrailer

If I had a dollar for everyone I work with who’s dumber than me, I’d have $11 cause I work for a small company.

@JediGigi

[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]

Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.

@meganamram

party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which

@Shwetangles

Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.