You’re my favorite person to yell at in all caps.

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You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought


Fun Fact: I love it when Americans whose Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Grandfather emigrated from Ireland say “I’m Irish”. No.


FUN BIT OF TRIVIA…The hard-working individuals who discover and preserve ancient pastas and breads are called starchaeologists.


Favorite Doubles:
1. Scotch
2. Cheeseburgers
3. Bourbon
4. Entendres
5. Dipping


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“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”

– Adam & Eve on laundry day


What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since


Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning


when I hit 45 I’m going to start sleeping in a coffin. let’s be honest, my lifestyle choices have been questionable


As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.