You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan

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A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”

Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit


When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.


*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*


me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*


I hate when I put my open beer down and forget where I put it and then I find like 7 open beers.


shop assistant: can i help you find something?

me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences

shop assistant:

me: or laundry detergent


[Going through rubble after a house fire]

Her [holding photo albums]: Totally ruined.

Me [holding slices of bread]: Pretty much toast.


[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.


“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors