You’re never gonna believe this, but I feel negatively about the day of the week when I have to stop relaxing and resume working.

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If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.


Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁


They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point


Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.


All those political ads are very convincing. They convinced me to stop watching television.


gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake