@JasonBerlin

You’re never gonna believe this, but I feel negatively about the day of the week when I have to stop relaxing and resume working.

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@0point5twins

If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.

@yoyoha

Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁

@MariyaAlexander

They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point

@TheNuttyKiwi

Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.

@kellysdf

All those political ads are very convincing. They convinced me to stop watching television.

@tarashoe

gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake