[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
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My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Body by Oreos
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know