Sorry I threw rice at the coffin. I don’t get invited to much.
You’re never too old to disappoint your parents.
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Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
*talking into the phone, loudly enough
that I know those ladies can hear me*
WHATS THAT? MY SPACESHIP IS READY? GREAT, THANKS BARACK. OBAMA.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching you
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage