@BillyMeetsWorld

You’re never too old to disappoint your parents.

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@MikeMcNeil_

Sorry I threw rice at the coffin. I don’t get invited to much.

@Reverend_Scott

Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”

Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”

*wall breaks down*

Superman: “OMG really??”

Batman: “No.”

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: *clapping enthusiastically*

You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho

@Jamie1947

*talking into the phone, loudly enough
that I know those ladies can hear me*
WHATS THAT? MY SPACESHIP IS READY? GREAT, THANKS BARACK. OBAMA.

@simoncholland

If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.

@Marcmywords2

Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching you

Dogs

@ThugRaccoons

Me: My first wife loved this movie.

Wife: I AM your first wife!

Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?

@TheAndrewNadeau

MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—

ME: An octo-lie.

PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.

ME:

PROFESSOR:

ME: Mocktopus.

@SvnSxty

Surgeon: I can’t find the clot

Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise

@TheDeducers

Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage