You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
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Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!