@Peauxtassium

You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.

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@UncleDuke1969

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

@NewDadNotes

[reading bedtime stories]

Daughter: what’s his name?

Me: spot.

Daughter: what’s her name?

Me: daisy.

Daughter: what’s his name?

Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.

Wife: what are you reading?

Me: 101 Dalmatians.

Wife: lol [closes door].

Daughter: what’s his na-

@VerbsRProudest

Board Game

10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!

Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*

10: *laughing* OMG!

Me: What?

@TheHyyyype

wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?

me: sure *starts crying for hours*

@difficultpatty

[First date after divorce]

Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.

@juliussharpe

My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.

@AristotlesNZ

Apparently, “Dude, that’s the best she’s EVER going to look” was not the type of objection to the marriage the priest was asking about.

@ObscureGent

When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.

*Dies eating gas station sushi

@HannahAntics

I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.