You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
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Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…