You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
You Might Also Like
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Just had my nails done!
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?