You’re never too old to throw random shit in people’s shopping carts when they aren’t looking.

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[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go


My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.


My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.


The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.


My girlfriend says she’s my best friend but she got so mad when I called her a homo and threw a snowball at her face. Women are so confusing


Is your refrigerator running?

Because I might vote for it.


Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.


Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,

“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”


detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding

me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where