Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
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FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.