“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
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[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Super Hand Dog Face
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what