We decided to go out for bbq tonight.
As it turns out, I’m too immature to discuss how to smoke your meat with strangers.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
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Not at all embarassing when your newly potty trained toddler drops drawer and starts peeing on a tree… a fake tree… in the middle of a restaurant.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
Parents, then: Would it kill you to pick up the phone?
Parents, now: Would it kill you to put down the phone?
I never touch baby carrots because I’m afraid the mother will reject them.
Netflix had to issue a warning to people blindfolding themselves after watching Birdbox.
You all keep finding new and creative ways to be historically remembered as the dumbest society since the Enlightenment.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat