You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
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WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
This meal prepping shit is easy
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.