@ElizaBayne

You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH

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@CoopSoSarc

We decided to go out for bbq tonight.

As it turns out, I’m too immature to discuss how to smoke your meat with strangers.

@JannaKilimnik

Not at all embarassing when your newly potty trained toddler drops drawer and starts peeing on a tree… a fake tree… in the middle of a restaurant.

@MichaelTrying

“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”

-an obituary

@House_Feminist

[introducing my children]

…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex

@elunatyk

Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?

Me: Eleven confirmed

JI: What?

Me: What?

@TheAlexNevil

Parents, then: Would it kill you to pick up the phone?

Parents, now: Would it kill you to put down the phone?

@samfromks

I never touch baby carrots because I’m afraid the mother will reject them.

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Netflix had to issue a warning to people blindfolding themselves after watching Birdbox.

You all keep finding new and creative ways to be historically remembered as the dumbest society since the Enlightenment.

@DarthPutinKGB

Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.

@WilliamRodgers

You’re not USELESS…

I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat