@_queenofcool

You’re not a hopeless romantic. You’re just stupid.

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@WildeThingy

It’s not that I think I’m out of your league.

Its more that I’m not even sure we’re playing the same sport.

@

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@julezmac

Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no

@sixfootcandy

My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.

@nnnatchos

Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.

@SamGrittner

If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”

@squirrel74wkgn

[at craft beer festival]

Me: Miller Lite, please

*ukulele girl stops playing*

Bartender: *blinks repetitively*

Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*

@SortaBad

Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014

@jessokfine

How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.