It’s not that I think I’m out of your league.
Its more that I’m not even sure we’re playing the same sport.
You’re not a hopeless romantic. You’re just stupid.
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If you’re happy and you know it, share your meds
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.