When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
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Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Terribly Tuesday.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
the three branches of government
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”