This whiskey tastes like I should tell you what your problem is.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
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I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Congratulations, everyone who saw me and my kids at the mall today. That’s the cheapest birth control you will ever have.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
[at a funeral]
What happens to his leftover meds?
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?