You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
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Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
wtf management?!
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*