@LackOfShame

You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.

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@ArfMeasures

Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back

Me, at the back: rude

@annaetuck

Congratulations, everyone who saw me and my kids at the mall today. That’s the cheapest birth control you will ever have.

@LuvPug

It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.

@Dani_Feld

Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.

Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

@bobblegagger

**both sitting at the pub having a beer**

Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?

Friend: I gave up drinking.

Me:

Friend:

Me: No.

Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?

Me: Nicely done.

Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….

@mela_shea

I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.

@sixfootcandy

Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?