You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
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Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
#CoronaOutbreak
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day: