You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
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If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”