You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.

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“I don’t need any more books. I need to finish the books I have.”

Sees new book:


The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.


Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans


We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’


ME: is there a doctor on this flight??

GUY: i’m a doctor

ME: thank god! can you talk to my son? he wants to study philosophy


I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.


Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.


Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.

Me:How do you pronounce that?

*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together