You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
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So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.