You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.

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ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?

BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.

ROBIN: What?



Nana’s house is getting real bad, you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting another dead cat.


No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.


Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?

Aquaman: The what?


If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.

For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.


I lost my voice.

If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.


How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?


Me: I slay werewolves for a living.

Date: Haha, always joking around. Anyway, I read that tweet you sent to me, it was so funny, I howled!

Me: *Unsheathing silver cutlass* You What??


My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.