@badAzz_mom

You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.

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@YuckyTom

[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]

@InternetHippo

1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”

20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh

@Darlainky

I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.

@hattiesoykan

naming a dragon drogon is the most lazy thing I’ve ever heard lmao pls meet my dog, deg

@stevevsninjas

Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.

@stephenjmolloy

Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”

Me: “It’s a secret.”

Job interviewer: “You got the job.”

@chuuew

Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security

@CoolCamel69

wherever this dart lands is where I’ll take a trip to
*throws dart and it lands on Hogwarts poster*
oh, well this is going to be difficult

@Whitnuts

I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.