@Zaius13: The most embarrassing part about farting myself awake was that it was the most interesting aspect of my PowerPoint presentation.

@lisaxy424: my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo* when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions

@Cali_Kid_Mike: "You clean up nicely", is just a polite way of saying, "You usually look like shit."

@Shot_Of_Cabo: Me: Marijuana is good for my glaucoma. She: But you don't have glaucoma. Me: See?

@Rollinintheseat: I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”