@badAzz_mom

You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.

You Might Also Like

@Staggfilms

ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?

BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.

ROBIN: What?

BATMAN: What?

@StephenBCramer

Nana’s house is getting real bad, you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting another dead cat.

@ninjadinosaur1

No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.

@BoogTweets

Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?

Aquaman: The what?

@molly7anne

If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.

For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.

@Carbosly

I lost my voice.

If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.

@ThePhilFactor

How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?

@Alex_Houseof308

Me: I slay werewolves for a living.

Date: Haha, always joking around. Anyway, I read that tweet you sent to me, it was so funny, I howled!

Me: *Unsheathing silver cutlass* You What??

@JohnLyonTweets

My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.