You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.

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[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]


1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”

20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh


I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.


naming a dragon drogon is the most lazy thing I’ve ever heard lmao pls meet my dog, deg


Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.


Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”

Me: “It’s a secret.”

Job interviewer: “You got the job.”


Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security


wherever this dart lands is where I’ll take a trip to
*throws dart and it lands on Hogwarts poster*
oh, well this is going to be difficult


I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.