You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
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Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Hero horse inspires millions
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
no
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine