You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
You Might Also Like
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again