You’re not considered antisocial if no one wants to talk to you.

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When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.


Never compliment a woman
on her sideburns …………no
matter how magnificent they


I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.


HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now

ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?


If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.


Me: What’s your dad do?
Kid: My dad? He’s an actor
Me: Why? Couldn’t you get a real dad?


I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.