@EwdatsGROSS

“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”

First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos

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@3sunzzz

M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?

Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.

M: Well, I’m Ursula.

@Blonde4Dayz

The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.

Day. Made.

@FuttyNudgekins

When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?

@robfee

Sorry I can’t pay my rent this month, I bought an apple at the airport.

@megalot_

Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so

@jazmasta

“Please. I need this” I whisper as a 14 year old girl starts to get the better of me in an arm wrestling match.

@mostlydelirious

Phone just autocorrected “your” to “yore” in case thou wouldst think I’m smarter than thee.

@Skullcat

When a big account that doesn’t follow me stars me suddenly, I crouch down and stay still, hoping it will tiptoe up and eat from my hand.

@robfee

I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.

@PaigeKellerman

Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.