“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
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Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney