@patrickmarkryan

You’re not impressing anyone, people who put a comma before the person’s name when wishing them a happy birthday on Facebook

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@McNevich

Actions speak louder than words, unless those words are spoken by a drunken woman

@SomeChrisTweets

When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.

@krisv_723

I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.

@BigJDubz

Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences

Judge: No

@UnFitz

Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.

Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?

@Donna_McCoy

You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.

@thestlouisan

[Delivery room]

Her: I was thinking we could call him Rob

Me: If we’re naming him after felonies, why not just call him Arson, Linda?!

@bonehugsnirony

Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are