You’re not impressing anyone, people who put a comma before the person’s name when wishing them a happy birthday on Facebook

You Might Also Like


I hate when I get branded “Meanest Mom” so early in the morning.

It gives me nothing to shoot for the rest of the day.


When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready


I am sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment.

I tried it once and I killed a cyclist !


My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.


A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.


“We do not negotiate with Pterodactyls.”- President Barack Obamasaurus


me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?


2016: imagine the worst case scenario.

2019: no, not like that, worser


If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.