I hate when I get branded “Meanest Mom” so early in the morning.
It gives me nothing to shoot for the rest of the day.
You’re not impressing anyone, people who put a comma before the person’s name when wishing them a happy birthday on Facebook
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When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
I am sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment.
I tried it once and I killed a cyclist !
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
THIS GIRL IS WEARING PINK CAMOUFLAGE WHERE ARE THERE PINK FORESTS
“We do not negotiate with Pterodactyls.”- President Barack Obamasaurus
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.