You’re not impressing anyone, people who put a comma before the person’s name when wishing them a happy birthday on Facebook

You Might Also Like


Actions speak louder than words, unless those words are spoken by a drunken woman


When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.


I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.


Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences

Judge: No


Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.

Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?


You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.


[Delivery room]

Her: I was thinking we could call him Rob

Me: If we’re naming him after felonies, why not just call him Arson, Linda?!


Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are