“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
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I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Never let them know your next move 😂
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine