I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
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DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
[i walk in with broken ribs and face bleeding]
yeah but you should see the other guy!
[cut to: horse just chilling in a field enjoying life]
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
WAYS TO KILL 2 BIRDS W/ 1 STONE
2 Retrieve, rethrow
3 Line up birds precisely
4 Huge boulder
5 Use lovebirds, 2nd dies of grief
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
*erases sword because it sucks*
I always keep a taser on me in case anyone asks if they can have one of my fries.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY