@phranqueigh

“You’re not like the other girls.”

“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”

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@3sunzzz

I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.

@Brampersandon_

DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way

ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys

@Darlainky

Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust

@jazmasta

[i walk in with broken ribs and face bleeding]
yeah but you should see the other guy!
[cut to: horse just chilling in a field enjoying life]

@Izianikapani

It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.

@KenJennings

WAYS TO KILL 2 BIRDS W/ 1 STONE
1 Ricochet
2 Retrieve, rethrow
3 Line up birds precisely
4 Huge boulder
5 Use lovebirds, 2nd dies of grief

@kv8

There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.

@wickedsuga

I always keep a taser on me in case anyone asks if they can have one of my fries.

@RodLacroix

College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?

Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY