@thatdutchperson

“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines

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@david8hughes

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

@ShortSleeveSuit

DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac

DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go

DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*

@shopkins776

I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible

@UnFitz

Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.

Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.

Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.

[5 seconds later]

Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!

@AmishPornStar1

Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.

@ElliotHetherton

[first date]

Her: I love big hearted people

Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy

@skedaddle74

What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?

@rdm_guy

If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.

@living_marble

None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead

@Social_Mime

The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”