“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines

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Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?


DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac

DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go

DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*


I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible


Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.

Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.

Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.

[5 seconds later]

Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!


Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.


[first date]

Her: I love big hearted people

Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy


What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?


If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.


None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead


The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”