You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
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Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Not today.. 😂
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so