BETRAYAL
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My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
They got a point!
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.