landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
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Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*