@northpacific

“You’re not the pizza guy.” Bin Laden’s last words.

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@WilliamAder

If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.

@MUMSIEesq

Give them a Cheesecake Factory gift card this holiday season so they know you “grocery store checkout line” love them

@ianpauldukes

EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*

BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*

@sannewman

Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.

@NotZaphod

Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.

Fibula: Silently plots revenge.

@Iam_ikjoseph

I was at a bar when this sexy lady approached me and whispered, “hey do you wanna get out of here”?

I happily replied yes and stood up, then she took my seat and sat down😑

@ms_woodsy

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

@thepaulahunt

My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?

Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.