If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
“You’re not the pizza guy.” Bin Laden’s last words.
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Give them a Cheesecake Factory gift card this holiday season so they know you “grocery store checkout line” love them
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
I was at a bar when this sexy lady approached me and whispered, “hey do you wanna get out of here”?
I happily replied yes and stood up, then she took my seat and sat down😑
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
FACEBOOK IS ABSOLUTELY INSANE
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.