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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
🤣😂
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes