Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
You’re only as awkward as you say you are…out loud…in front of people…who were in a private conversation…that didn’t involve you.
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Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
My neighbor doesn’t like it when I put garbage in his backyard so I stopped burying people there.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
What is it Lassie?
Timmy fell down a well?
Earthquake in LA?
The Russians are coming?
You found a plane?
No? …Oh, you want another beer.
*guy about to invent Keto*
Not buttery enough.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
*priest says a final prayer*
*harambe’s casket is lowered into the ground*
*toddler falls in*