@SSDated

You’re only as awkward as you say you are…out loud…in front of people…who were in a private conversation…that didn’t involve you.

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@Book_Krazy

Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!

ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.

HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!

ME: That’s fine

@ChewedOnBoobs

Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”

7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”

@Muath_tu

My neighbor doesn’t like it when I put garbage in his backyard so I stopped burying people there.

@AlexEllisdon

If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG

@monks_19

If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.

@QwertyJones3

Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!

@UncleBob56

What is it Lassie?
Timmy fell down a well?
Earthquake in LA?
The Russians are coming?
You found a plane?

No? …Oh, you want another beer.

@TheBoydP

Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.

@fro_vo

[cemetery]
*priest says a final prayer*
*harambe’s casket is lowered into the ground*
*toddler falls in*