Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone…..
Ain’t no sandwiches either.
You’re only as awkward as you say you are…out loud…in front of people…who were in a private conversation…that didn’t involve you.
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ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
I’m a social vegan. I avoid meet.
every snail has a perfectly baked cinnamon bun inside its shell
A surprisingly large amount of responsibility also comes with zero power.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
When someone yawns, I like to yell “Surprise Dentist!” and stick my hand in their mouth, which is fun because I’m not really a dentist.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Spotify has a new playlist called ‘Screams’. After 5 minutes you recognize the screams as yours. After 30 you realize you never pressed play
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.