I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
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Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
I hope it’s French Onion!
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.