You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
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You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Same post same
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.