@krisv_723
@clichedout
society: mothers get their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: they get a whole week
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@clichedout
@liberalcannon
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
@Halalcoholism
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
@1Happytwit
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
@gobmentcheese
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
@LOsepyan
According to my next door neighbor’s diary I have “boundary issues” can you believe that?
@Quartzjixler
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
@HousewifeOfHell
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
@girlontapas
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
@warmyellowlight
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there