@krisv_723
@iamburtjarvis
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
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@iamburtjarvis
@AndyJokedAgain
I think they could have phrased this better
@LimeyTheGreat
Went out to dinner last night & the hostess asked me “Where would you like to sit?” I replied “preferably on a seat.” #accomplished
@daddydoubts
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
@GoldenSpirals
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
@Sarcasticsapien
I like how people say pets love you unconditionally like if you didn’t feed them and someone else did they wouldn’t go to them immediately.
@Kyle_Lippert
There are 5 things I really hate:
1) Racists.
2) People who can’t spell.
3) Math
4) Whyte people
@Playing_Dad
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
@ArfMeasures
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
@rajandelman
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care