“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
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I think they could have phrased this better
Went out to dinner last night & the hostess asked me “Where would you like to sit?” I replied “preferably on a seat.” #accomplished
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
I like how people say pets love you unconditionally like if you didn’t feed them and someone else did they wouldn’t go to them immediately.
There are 5 things I really hate:
2) People who can’t spell.
4) Whyte people
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care