You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.

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society: mothers get their very own day

me: what about sharks?

society: they get a whole week


A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.


Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.


According to my next door neighbor’s diary I have “boundary issues” can you believe that?


COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?

Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.

God help us.


Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.


Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.


when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there