@krisv_723

You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.

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@clichedout

society: mothers get their very own day

me: what about sharks?

society: they get a whole week

@1Happytwit

A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.

@gobmentcheese

Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.

@LOsepyan

According to my next door neighbor’s diary I have “boundary issues” can you believe that?

@Quartzjixler

COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?

Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.

God help us.

@HousewifeOfHell

Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.

@girlontapas

Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.

@warmyellowlight

when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there