society: mothers get their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: they get a whole week
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
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Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
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God help us.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there