[Delta Airlines Interview]
Me: Sorry I’m 3 hours late.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
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“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.