You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.

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[Delta Airlines Interview]

Me: Sorry I’m 3 hours late.

Interviewer: You’re hired!


“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.

I have no idea what I’m doing.


[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*


“I’m Bond. James Bond”.

Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.

I’m Evil. Ken Evil.

[speeds cycle up ramp]

[jumps 8 cars & a bus]


Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.


I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.


I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.


Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon


Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!

Friend: *Nodding* endorphins

Me: No, just whales


When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.