@Contwixt

You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.

You Might Also Like

@realHamOnWry

[Delta Airlines Interview]

Me: Sorry I’m 3 hours late.

Interviewer: You’re hired!

@CatherineinAL

“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.

I have no idea what I’m doing.

@lisaxy424

[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*

@Diversion50

“I’m Bond. James Bond”.

Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.

I’m Evil. Ken Evil.

[speeds cycle up ramp]

[jumps 8 cars & a bus]

@DurtMcHurtt

Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.

@PinkCamoTO

I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.

@mstern68

I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.

@Cpin42

Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon

@Swan_Corleone2

Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!

Friend: *Nodding* endorphins

Me: No, just whales

@darksidesith75

When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.