You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
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Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
[eulogy]
line?
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Merica.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
My birthstone is kidney
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.