You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
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My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
They got a point!
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊