Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
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Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.