God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
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Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.