“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
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No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.