You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
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just make the entire table out of coaster
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa