You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
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I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Autocorrect completely socks
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
The fall of Netflix
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.