@TheToddWilliams
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
@CandyEmpires
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
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@TheToddWilliams
@blowdart
Crap
@MichelleLoserby
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
@PoshTick
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: speeding?
cop: no it’s-
dog: [paws impatiently tapping wheel]
me: he says he wasn’t speeding
@caithuls
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
@QuiteQuietOne
The embarrassment when you wake up to find your panties hanging from a chandelier and think, how did I end up in a place with a chandelier?
@LoveNLunchmeat
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
@javeigh
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
@IamEnidColeslaw
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
@shashaintl
Me: We need to go.
11: Go without me.
7: Sometimes when parents go without their kids, they get arrested, and I can’t let that happen.