@Darlainky I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
@CandyEmpires You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
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@Darlainky 
@Fred_Delicious [sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
@BraandoCommando Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
@jergarl Wife: Were you drunk last night?
Me:*recalls ordering 59 tacos and losing them* A little, why?
W:*opens sock drawer full of tacos
M: Ohhh
@TheBoydP I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
@Shawn_spree Cry if you missed someone.
Try to shoot them again before they leave.
@batkaren Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
@TheAlexNevil “Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
@theshantilly Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
@AndrewNadeau0 ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.