@CandyEmpires

You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.

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@Darlainky

I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.

@Fred_Delicious

[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”

@BraandoCommando

Me: where do you want to eat?

My gf, a moth: idc you decide

[arranges a candlelit dinner]

Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake

@jergarl

Wife: Were you drunk last night?

Me:*recalls ordering 59 tacos and losing them* A little, why?

W:*opens sock drawer full of tacos

M: Ohhh

@TheBoydP

I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!

@Shawn_spree

Cry if you missed someone.

Try to shoot them again before they leave.

@batkaren

Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.

@TheAlexNevil

“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”

@AndrewNadeau0

ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.