You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
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My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
#parenting
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.