You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.

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BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?

ME: No…miscommunication

BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication

ME: See?


HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?

HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven

HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?

HER: pizza rolls

HIM: What about—

HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.


cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: speeding?

cop: no it’s-

dog: [paws impatiently tapping wheel]

me: he says he wasn’t speeding


DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table


The embarrassment when you wake up to find your panties hanging from a chandelier and think, how did I end up in a place with a chandelier?


Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.


Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?


Me: We need to go.

11: Go without me.

7: Sometimes when parents go without their kids, they get arrested, and I can’t let that happen.