BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
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HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
cop: no it’s-
dog: [paws impatiently tapping wheel]
me: he says he wasn’t speeding
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
The embarrassment when you wake up to find your panties hanging from a chandelier and think, how did I end up in a place with a chandelier?
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Me: We need to go.
11: Go without me.
7: Sometimes when parents go without their kids, they get arrested, and I can’t let that happen.