@CandyEmpires

You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.

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@TheToddWilliams

[interview]

BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?

ME: No…miscommunication

BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication

ME: See?

@MichelleLoserby

HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?

HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven

HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?

HER: pizza rolls

HIM: What about—

HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.

@PoshTick

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: speeding?

cop: no it’s-

dog: [paws impatiently tapping wheel]

me: he says he wasn’t speeding

@caithuls

DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok

@QuiteQuietOne

The embarrassment when you wake up to find your panties hanging from a chandelier and think, how did I end up in a place with a chandelier?

@LoveNLunchmeat

Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.

@javeigh

Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?

@shashaintl

Me: We need to go.

11: Go without me.

7: Sometimes when parents go without their kids, they get arrested, and I can’t let that happen.